Whenever You're Ready
It has been about 18 months since I first started seeing a therapist. Like many of us, I knew for years that I would benefit from talking to someone regularly before I actually took the plunge and said, “Okay. It’s time.”
Also like many of us, I thought I was going to therapy to work on one specific part of my past and ended up journeying into a completely different territory than I anticipated. It was hard. There have been many tears shed and a lot of processing. But it has been 1000% worth it.
Now for some vulnerability and reality. About a year ago, I was in a not so great place mentally. I was struggling with a lot of things that had been building up for a long time (some that have been building up for my whole life). And I was doing a fantastic job (in my opinion) pretending like everything was fine; nothing was wrong; business as usual.
But thank goodness for friends who know me well and aren’t afraid to say “Hey, are you okay?” Because I wasn’t. And it’s not in my personality to tell people that I’m not doing okay and to ask for help. Even a therapist who I am paying twice a month whose only job is to help me.
It’s been a year, and a lot has happened. I am in a much better place now than I was then, and am continuing to do the hard work of being my best self. Sure, there are good days and bad days, easy weeks and hard weeks. But when I think back over the last year and how far I’ve come, I am so proud of myself and so thankful for all I’ve accomplished.
A big part of my work over the last year has been on my own relationship with God. And over the last year I have read sections of Psalm 139 a lot when I have needed to be reminded that I am not in this alone. And these words are the ones I have read over and over again the last few weeks as I allow myself to remember how far I have come in the last year.
Psalm 139: 1, 7-8, 11-12 (NRSV)
O Lord, you have searched me
and known me.
Where can I go from your spirit?
Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
And the light around me become night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to you;
The night is as bright as the day,
For darkness is as light to you.
These words are a reminder that God knows exactly where we are and what we are facing. And God doesn’t leave us to face those things alone. Rather God is already present in those places, the good, bright days and the sad, darker ones. God doesn’t walk just far enough away so that we have to go seek God out and ask for help; God is there already waiting for us to just say “Yes.”
In one of the more intense, difficult therapy sessions I had a year ago, my therapist and I prayed together and prayed a prayer of release; a prayer to help me let go of the anger and hurt and weight that I’d been carrying for so long. I know I still have a lot of life to live, but I believe that this therapy session will be on the top 5 hardest things and top 5 best things lists of my life simultaneously.
After we prayed, she asked me if I’d heard God say anything to me in that time. And my response was, “I’m here. Whenever you’re ready.” Because that is the other amazing thing about God, other than God being wherever we are before we even get there. It’s that God is already there, but God isn’t going to force us to face things until we are ready to do so. And when we are ready, God is right there, in the trenches, ready to help us fight our way out of them.
Friends, you are so loved. You are so important. Your life is so worth living. I believe this with my whole heart, and God does too. I pray that you have people in your life who aren’t afraid to ask, “Are you okay?” when you need it most. I pray that you know that the God who is with you on the bright, sunny days is with you on the dark, cloudy days too. And that God is there, ready to lift you from the places you are fighting to get out of and journey beside you in the places where you are strong enough to walk on your own.
May it be so. Amen.
One final note:
I mean this with all the love and care in my heart: every single person would benefit from counseling, coaching, or having a support group of some kind. No matter who you are. We all have things we have dealt with and carry with us, and we all need to have someone or someones in our life who can help us carry those things. So if you have been thinking about seeking out this kind of help and you need someone to be your cheerleader to do it, or you have questions about what my therapy experience has been like, or therapy in general- please feel free to reach out. I want to support you in any way I can when it comes to being a better, healthier you.
Reverend Kristen Koger has served as the Pastor for Children and Families at FBC Decatur since June 2017. Kristen loves working with the youngest of God’s family as she helps them realize that they have some of the most important gifts to offer the family of God. In her free time, she enjoys hanging out with her dog Dietrich “Bonehoeffer,” cooking, knitting, and playing board games.